My final draft for this poem. Please rate or add suggestions?

I think it's really good, for your age. Please don't take that the wrong way, either, because good writing takes a very long time to develop. Yes, you were born with a creative spirit, but that spirit needs to be developed through persistent writing (and reading, actually) and through gaining the life experience necessary to write meaningfully. A question you always need to answer when writing is who do you intend your audience to be and what do you mean to impart to them with your words? Do you just want to impress them with the way you put your words together, or do you want them to say "aha, that poem means a lot to me?" People want to read what inspires, motivates, moves, and even saddens them. They don't want fancy words, although artistic creativity is imporant as well. The vital thing is that the idea of the poem is not lost among superfluous verbage. I always try to mix plain, understandable English along with a few "artistic" metaphors in my poetry, and I think it works well. Good luck, your writing ability is already lightyears ahead of your peers, you just need to write persistently to fine-tune it. And READ READ READ!!! Hearing the "voices" of your favorite authors will help you to find your own.